Ask a Jesuit
When I see my parents, I often disagree with them about politics and other issues. My choice is either to remain silent and bury what I understand and believe about the world, or confront them. I fear family disharmony if I speak out, but I also fear I am losing a part of myself and my hope for the future by sitting in silence.
Answered by William O’Neill, S.J. Fr. O’Neill is a resident scholar in the Ignatian Center for Jesuit Education and the Markkula Center. Illustration by Sam Kerr.
Oscar Wilde once said that nothing succeeds like excess. Today, politics quickly becomes polemics, a cacophony of dissident voices. Even in family conversations, differences become divisive. No simple rule or algorithm can resolve our disputes, but we may still differ without losing a part of ourselves or our hope for the future.
Conversation is always more than what we say. Deep emotions are often threaded through our arguments, touching on values we hold dear. When it seems that a parent is lecturing me or still treating me as a child (even a child of 30!), I may feel the need to assert myself, to reclaim my self-respect. Conversely, dad or mom may feel they need to reassert their beliefs, authority, or status. So subtly, the topic changes—argument (giving reasons) runs out as resentment takes over. One step we can take, then, is to listen to ourselves: Just what is going on in me as we talk?
When am I not so much defending a belief as defending myself, my role, my status? Defending myself, to be sure, may be justified. The question is rather when and how best to do so. Is now the best time to speak of these things, e.g., in the midst of a Thanksgiving meal? Anger is not always the best counsel!
And before I talk, let me listen. Ask if you have understood dad or mom’s views rightly, why they say what they say. Philosophers teach us that we can only meaningfully disagree if we first share a vast fund of agreement: what our words or positions mean. Are there some things then with which I can agree even with qualification? That opens the possibility of dad or mom then listening in return—have they understood you rightly? Do we share some relevant starting points, e.g., beliefs, values, or experiences? Can we agree about some credible sources, e.g., the teachings of our faith communities?
When it seems that dad or mom stops listening, can I step back and defer further argument until a better time less fraught with emotion? Can we agree to disagree so that winning the argument does not mean losing the relationship? Tactfully ending this conversation, after all, does not mean ending conversation.
Finally, let me reflect on what happened. What might I have done better? Can I bring up the topic later, perhaps by choosing different words or a different framing, e.g., why do you think our faith leaders offered such a response? Are they really saying what was reported in the
media? Let me show my parents that I want to understand their perspective because I respect them. But can they also respect mine? Even then, we cannot always succeed in persuading. But we can speak with conviction while preserving the deepest conviction—love that never stops hoping for the future.
ASK AN EXPERT is a new ½ñÈÕ³Ô¹Ï Magazine feature in which members of the ½ñÈÕ³Ô¹Ï community ask questions and the University’s Jesuit theologians provide ethical responses and insights. Send your ethical questions to scmagazine@scu.edu.
